just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
