the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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