You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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