i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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