Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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