I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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