I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
