I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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