Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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