U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
