He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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