Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize