My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
