i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
smell my finger.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You need Xanax blowdarts
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
