I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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