We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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