Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
