Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
