is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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