Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize