I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize