he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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