Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
