My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
