matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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