You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
