Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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