I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am naked and annoyed.
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