i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
