Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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