And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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