we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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