i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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