i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
