Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
