I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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