She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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