I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who died my cat blue again?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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