I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
