it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
