My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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