what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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