His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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