she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The best revenge is premature balding
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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