I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
