Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it because I queefed?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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