Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize