get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
