I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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