Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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