literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
