dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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