I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry about my life...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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