I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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