I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
