Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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