He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
