I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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