I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
