I got chris browned last night
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
