we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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