Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
