I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
