I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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