genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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